Full disclosure, I kind of went to Koh Samui for a boy… which went tits up, but the airport is here so you may end up needing to go too. It’s a disgusting place, but despite this I did have fun, but I would never, ever go again, even if you paid me.

If you’re British let me say this one word to you ‘Benidorm’, or another one ‘Magaluf’ . It’s a chavvy old place in Koh Samui, with a lot of fat, sunburned families with braided hair walking round eating McDonald’s. And it kinda smells.

I first stayed in a beach hut (Free House beach bungalows) in Bosphut because it was right next to the hotel of a boy I’d been on a date with in Chiang Mai and we’d arranged to meet. It was super boring and dull there, full of couples, with literally no entertainment but I was cool with that as I just wanted to turn my little hut into a loveshack.

Sadly I got blown off come date time (the standard radio silence) and so decided to go to the Fisherman’s Market to meet some people I’d travelled with in India (hi Ellie and Jack) where I LITERALLY bumped into the hot guy I was meant to be on a date with, on a date with another girl!!!!! What is life??? Oh, btw the market is worth a visit, you can get anything there (even dumped).

I obviously ran home, grabbed a Chang, rolled a blunt and hotboxed my hut while watching Eastbound and Down. A crappy night somewhat salvaged.

I then moved to Rinny Hostel in Chaweng which is much busier but not in a good way, this place looked like Hackney-on-sea, just hideously ugly. I did have fun though, the hostel was weird and above a travel agents but was full of pretty cool people.

Arc on Chaweng Beach is where everyone parties but pre-drink because the drinks are expensive, 7/11s are everywhere and you can get rum for £3. I must admit I lost my shoes here so it must be good!

Lipsmackers beach bar is awesome, such nice people and you can buy weed there. I hung out with a big crew of Thai youfs there who took me out and got me so pissed and stoned I vomited. They were really nice, they even fed me.

While in Koh Samui I was a little bored during the day because in the cold harsh light it looked even worse, at night with a few vodkas down you KS is bearable, in the daytime there’s nowhere for it to hide. So to fight my boredom I got two tattoos (I was there 5 days), make sure you haggle because I got mine half price almost.

All in all, don’t go… but if you must, follow my advice.